July 27, 2005
It is my third last day in Trois-Pistoles and I am having a good time socially, but failing miserably in the spiritual department. Or am I? What do you suppose God? I have been reading Dwayne’s journey and about laying down the life. Oh God I have used your name in vain and have used words that do not glorify your name. Why do I feel as though I am 14 and lost? One of my friends wrote and was talking about being above reproach in life. At first I was mad, because I did not want to be considered unsafe. If I avoid being alone with a male am I really above reproach or am I just not alone with a male? I do respect the decision, maybe I feel below reproach or just indifferent. I guess I am at a point where if you are going to judge me for doing good things then I will suffer the punishment for doing good things. Rahab offered safety to multiple men and the people of her town probably assumed that she was fairing her trade with them. Reading Captivating has re-inspired me to be who God has made me. I want that men would not fear women. I know that women are quite powerful, (no sarcasm). The beauty of women is seductive and powerful we have the ability to crush and build men whether we know them or not. I find many men, when I am out and about, telling me that I am beautiful. I say this not to brag, but to express a need and a point of vulnerability.
Petite rabbit trail (route de lapin)
An encouragement to you men both single and married, we need to know that we are beautiful and as brothers in Christ we need your pure compliments. I know some of us will have a hard time accepting it as a pure, no strings attached compliment, but that is just our and apprehension. Be encouraged and of strong heart we try to accept the compliments with grace. I am learning a lot from the kids I am teaching, like the old saying goes they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
If I wasn’t who I am I would probably go home with a lot of these men, because they are satisfying a natural emotional and mental need in me. I wonder, NO I know that what they see is not just my physical beauty, but the beauty of Jesus in me. I do know that I am beautiful, heck I look in the mirror some days and say “Wow you are looking hot today!”J C’est vrai! Then I know and see the affirmation and love both men and women crave. How, how am able to walk away from these people for the sake of me saving face? I need to give them love as much as they need to feel it. I think that is one of the many reasons I want to be married, so that I can have a man to partner with me to love the lost and hurting. To have a man who will love me with the unconditional love of God and look at me and think that I am the most beautiful women he has ever seen and that he loves me more than I could ever know. I have discovered that after I have been with my Dad (Derek) and brothers that I do not crave as much to be married. I think this is because I know that my dad and brothers love me unconditionally, I know this because I have cost my Dad a lot of money in stupid mistakes, yet he continues to love me and when he can blesses me with physical gifts. He sets the bar pretty high for showing love to me for other people. (Sorry [désolé] if that is an awkward sentence.) It is a funny thing how God works that out for me. When I am feeling my lowest He arranges for me either to talk with my papa or see him. Oh how I miss my family natural and spiritual. This is the longest in my life that I have been without intimate fellowship of other believers, especially my church family. I am glad for these deserts, because it gives me deeper appreciation for what I have, a better idea of who I am and what I need to do. I am excited for the new ministry opportunities that God will put in my way. I say way because if I do not embrace opportunities as a gift they a burdens and in the way of my human plans, but if I take each second as it comes it guides and enriches my way.